Most of us experience [and expect] sleepless nights with a small baby, but what about your older child who is still having difficulties sleeping? Lots of older children spend much of the night in their parents' bed or take forever to settle off to sleep at the beginning of the night.

Bed time can become a time for everyone to dread, as children who don't like to go to bed are grand masters in the art of delaying tactics. Over time poor sleep habits can cause real problems for your child, at school and at play.

If the dark circles under your eyes and those increasing grey hairs are telling you that the time is right to help your child to sleep independently then read on:

• Be sensitive to the possible stresses that your child is under. These can include, a new baby in the family, new school or teacher, conflicts in the playground or worries about school work. Make time to talk to your child and really listen, no matter how anxious or busy you are. This is best done early in the day rather than close to bed time.
• Do not underestimate the value of a wonderfully consistent bedtime routine. If you have more than one child, you may need to enlist extra help at this busy time. A good bed time routine, with lots of repetition will help your child to feel safe, and more confident about going to sleep.
•  Discourage your child from doing homework very close to bed time. Aim to have a quiet time together before bed, chatting or reading.
• Avoid fizzy drinks, chocolate or other foods containing stimulants. Encourage your child to have a supper which is rich in carbohydrates, and a milky drink is ideal just before bed. Be careful that your child's tummy is not too full however!
•  Make sure that your child’s bed and mattress are comfortable, and that the room temperature is correct [around 18 degrees centigrade.]
• During the preparation for bed, give your child lots of attention. If at all possible, try not to take telephone calls etc. As well as feeling safe, Children need to feel loved in order to sleep well. Show your child how important they are by giving your time...even if that time is being shared with a demanding baby!
• Don't ever send your child to their bedroom as a punishment.

School age children, like babies, can demonstrate a wide range of sleep difficulties, including settling problems, waking up during the night, nightmares and night fears. In most cases, to solve these problems you need to work with your child to help them to go off to sleep happily and alone at the beginning of the night.

It is quite normal for all of us to wake several times during the night. If you are with your child when they first go off to sleep, then they will need to get you back to act as a sleep prompt at later wakings.

 Equally, if your child is accustomed to getting into your bed during the night, they will wake in anticipation of this move. In fact knowing that they are going to be moving during the night, actually prevents many children from being able to sleep really well. To encourage your child to settle alone, and to stay in their own bed all night, try the following:

• Explain to your child that he or she is going to start going to sleep all by themself and/or sleeping in their own bed all night. Be positive and encouraging about this. Meet any protest with resolve and humour, "Oh yes you are, and with more sleep, you're going to grow even faster!"
•  Make a star chart with your child and go out to buy favourite stickers. [Even better are those luminous stars, sold in toy shops, which shine after the light is turned off!] Explain that each time they stay in bed all night/goes to sleep by themselves, they will get a sticker/star. 7 stars = a special treat.
• Develop a bedtime routine that incorporates a clear sequence of sleep “clues”. e.g.  bath, clean teeth, familiar story.
• If you have a baby or younger child, put them to bed first or ask your partner to do this if possible.
• Spend a little time with your “problem sleeper” sharing familiar stories [no more than 2] and keep the final story the same each night whilst you are sleep training. Choice of story is important....avoid scary ones! Older children may prefer to read for a while on their own, but offer them the option of a story from you.
• Help your child into bed. Have a loving cuddle and introduce a spoken goodnight ritual. If your child feels OK about you leaving, then go. If not, quietly stay with her or him, but avoid conversation and do not get into negotiations about position of toys, just one more story etc, and do not check the room for monsters!
• Set yourself a goal of gradually withdrawing your presence during settling, so that within one or two weeks your child is settling happily alone. It is important that your child feels that you are calm and confident and that you are the one in control at bed time.
• After week of the new consistent bed time routine, and your gradual withdrawal from the scene, your child should be ready to settle alone. Simply follow the routine, kiss goodnight and then go! If your child gets out of bed, put them back again and leave as quickly as you can. If they seem frightened, you need to remain calm. Explain that you are going to be just in the sitting room and will come back to see them in a few minutes. Make sure that you do go back; your child needs to trust you. Praise them for staying put and if necessary, keep going back until they fall asleep during one of your absences.
• If your child is ok about staying in bed alone, but still finds it difficult to go off to sleep, suggest that they try a simple mental exercise. A favourite with older children is "lists." Ask your child to close their eyes and, depending on the age, make an alphabetical list of:
  
  • Boys/girls names.
  • Countries of the world.
  • Animals.
  • Plants/flowers.
  • Fruit/vegetables.
  • Dinosaurs etc......You will be able to think of many more, according to your child's interests.

NB It is against the rules for your child to call you to in order to ask for example the name of a dinosaur beginning with N! If they get stuck, they must miss a letter and ask you in the morning. Eventually, they will fall asleep at some stage during the list making.

If your child wakes up during the night, try the following:

• Aim to get to them before they get to you, and take them directly back to bed.
• Do not allow them into your bed as this will damage the learning process. They needs to know that they are safe in their own bed.
• If your child has had a nightmare, listen to them if they want to tell you about it. Explain that it was just a bad dream. If they are still upset, encourage them to change the ending. For example," The nasty witch that was chasing them turns into a plateful of strawberry mousse, and they eat it all up!"
• Demonstrate a very calm manner. If your child is frightened, they need to know that you are in control.
• After they have settled down, leave them to go back to sleep alone. Hanging around too long may reinforce any fears. Suggest the same mental exercise that they did when they went to sleep earlier.
• Rarely, children develop nightmares as a form of post traumatic stress disorder, or other serious psychological condition. If your child has suffered from unusual stress[more than the birth of a sibling or starting school] and is having regular, distressing nightmares, it is advisable to seek professional help.
• In the morning, welcome your child in to your bed if they want to get in with you. Be especially loving towards them and be specific in your praise for the achievement, "You stayed in your own bed all night/ you went straight back to bed when I asked you to." Don't forget to give a star.

All children want their parents’ approval, even if they seem like they don't care! Your praise helps them to learn in a wonderful and positive way.

Your child’s unwillingness to settle at night is a normal and transient stage in growing up, but taking positive steps now will equip them with a vital life skill. It will also help them to cope with the immediate demands of learning, play, relationships and their amazing and complex development.