How to reclaim your bed - in one weekend.

Being totally honest, even though it is not recommended; most of us have had our babies sleep in bed with us at some time. Lots of us make a positive decision to co sleep and sometimes we bring them into the “big bed” simply from exhaustion. Whether through choice or not, the occasional little visitor, often becomes a permanent fixture and the baby who might initially have been welcomed into the parental bed now starts to grow up, get bigger, more fidgety and [seeing as how we are being honest] out stays the welcome.

There comes a time when even the most tolerant parent feels the need for some space and “me time” during the night. If this describes you, then you are certainly not alone. Plenty of older babies, nursery-aged children, and even beyond, consider their parents’ bed to be their own.

For lots of people this really isn’t a problem, especially if you have one of those vast king size beds. But let’s face it, children can be very selfish bed mates; sleeping horizontally across the pillows, kicking off the covers or sleeping on your face.

If you are reaching the end of your tether, here is a simple action plan which will help you to teach your child how to sleep happily through the night in his or her own bed for good, and without feeling rejected by you.……….Just remember to keep a warm welcome into your bed for morning cuddles!

FRIDAY AFTERNOON

If your child is old enough, explain that tonight they will be sleeping all night in their own bed. Make this as positive as possible. Meet any protests with a humorous but resolute response e.g. "Oh yes you are, you cheeky thing!"

Explain to older brothers and sisters and any close neighbours that there may be some disruption for a couple of nights.

Role play with your child, putting their toys to bed and giving them (the toys) plenty of praise for staying there.

For an older child, make a star chart and buy some special stickers. Explain that each time they stay in bed all night they will get a sticker. Earning a sticker is in itself a reward, but there is an extra incentive in you offering a special treat for saving up, say, 7 stickers earned on consecutive nights. A younger child will be happy simply with a sticker on their pyjamas.

If your child is still taking a day time nap, do not allow sleep after 2pm for a 7 or 8 o'clock settling time.

If at all possible, have a daytime rest yourself. You will need reserves of energy on this night.

FRIDAY NIGHT

Remember that the key to helping your child sleep lies in how they settle at the beginning of the night. For this reason it is absolutely crucial that your child settles to sleep for the night in their own cot/bed alone and aware that you are not with them. To make this easier, you must help them to feel safe. The best way of doing this is to start an ultra consistent bed time routine. Not only will this help them to feel secure, but a familiar series of steps leading up to bed time will in time help them to feel sleepy too.

Try the following:

Develop a bedtime routine that incorporates a clear sequence of sleep cues e.g. bath, milk, clean teeth, familiar story, a well loved goodnight song, phrase or prayer.

Turn off the TV, radio or video and put the telephone answer machine on. Your child will need your full attention right now. Your home doesn't need to be completely silent, but these kinds of sounds are particularly irritating and disruptive to sleep.

During bath time, it is fine to participate in rough and tumble games with your child. This helps to expend any reserves of energy they may have as well as giving you the chance to demonstrate your love for them. Gently remind them from time to time that tonight they will be sleeping in their own bed.

After bath time go directly to your child's bedroom. Keep a soft light on and offer a milk drink if they still have one. After this, read some familiar stories (no more than three.) The final story should be the same one each night until your child is happy to go to bed alone.

Put them into the bed or the cot. Lean over and have a brief goodnight cuddle. Explain again gently and quietly what you are doing and then go. Leave on a very positive note, “I’m going to tell mummy/daddy what a good boy you are in your own bed!” Tell them that you’ll be back in a minute to check that they’re cosy.

If they out of bed put them back in firmly but kindly. Spend no more than 30 seconds with them. If they seem frightened, stay calm and reassuring but do not reinforce any fears by hanging around.

Leave again, despite protest and then return frequently [whether they call for you or not] to offer praise, encouragement and reassurance.

Do not lock, or even close, the door if it is usually left open. Apart from feeling excluded and punished, your child may be terrified by being so enclosed if they are not used to it. Your aim is to make them feel secure enough to fall asleep without you. If experience has shown you that they will continually chase you to the door, you are better off using a stair gate in the bedroom doorway as a temporary measure, Explain that this is, “To keep you safe.”

Avoid being drawn into lengthy negotiations over positions of teddies and so on. Be loving, calm and resolute. It is very important that your child knows that you are in control at this point. Respond to any requests for cuddles, extra milk etc. with a very calm, “In the morning.” In order for the programme to succeed, it is important that your child recognizes that they cannot act to change the way it is going to be. If it feels like an unfair battle of wills, keep reminding yourself that you will both be infinitely better off in end.

If necessary, sit out on the landing and put them back into bed as many times as it takes. (Hence the need for vast energy reserves). To avoid getting into a tussle with them, you should leave periods of up to 10 minutes if you can before returning them to bed. If your child is in a cot and is standing up and crying, you should return calmly every 2 - 5 minutes. There is no need to go back at all when you know that they are lying down and the nature of the cry turns into a “grumble” or “complaint.”

Eventually they will fall asleep and it is vital that you are not in the room when this happens. Once they have fallen asleep alone you are over the worse – so give yourself a pat on the back!

Go to bed early and be mentally prepared to be up a lot in the night. If there are two of you, you might like to split the night into two shifts. Just make sure that you are fully supportive of one another and like minded in your approach.

If your child wakes up and comes into your room after you have gone to bed, force yourself to get up and put him back to bed just as you did earlier in the evening.

Do not relent at any stage - you will only prolong or seriously damage the learning process.

Decide on what time is acceptable for the day to begin. You need to be realistic about this – toddlers and young children are naturally early risers, so don’t expect them to lie in until 9am! Use a Gro Clock, if you have one, to teach your child when it’s time to get up. Treat any time before the agreed morning time as a night waking, and keep them in their own bed. Before allowing your child to get up for the day, open the curtains or put on the lights. This will give clear signal that night time is over and it is time for the day to begin.

Welcome your child into your bed, but do not allow them to fall asleep there. If you do this, you will undermine all the effort you have all invested.

Offer him lots of loving and specific praise, “You slept in your own bed!” Be sure to award a sticker.

SATURDAY

During the day, be especially loving towards your child. Tell them how clever they are.

Once again, try to get some rest yourself if you can.

At bed time repeat exactly the same settling process as the night before. Don't be disheartened if you find you are still making several visits to their room. The more opportunities you have for reinforcing the message, the more it will stick. This technique will always work when it is applied consistently.

It usually takes only a couple of nights to solve the majority of sleep problems of older babies and young children provided the parents are committed and motivated.

By the end of this second night, your child will have learned new sleeping habits and all you will need to do is to reinforce his new sleep skills by being consistent, encouraging and continually rewarding.

SUNDAY

You have done it! Your child has gone to his own bed happily and without fuss. Tonight you can stretch out in your own bed and enjoy a really good night’s sleep!

By the time next weekend comes, you will have caught up on your own sleep and you will see that your child is not suffering from sleeping alone and still loves you.  Your only task is to put the Champagne on ice and CELEBRATE!

NB: The use of the masculine pronoun is for convenience only. Just as many girls tend to be grafted to the parental bed as boys.